


Spending My Days Locked in a Haze

by SuspiciousPenguin



Series: The Bird Nerds and the Bee's Knees [3]
Category: Avengers (Comics), Hawkeye (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Young Avengers
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Deaf, Deaf Character, Deaf Clint Barton, Drunk Sex, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Past Sexual Assault, References to Alcohol, References to Depression, References to Sex, hawkeye squared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 06:18:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4614417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuspiciousPenguin/pseuds/SuspiciousPenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here's what you do when you wake up naked in bed with your crimefighting partner and closest friend, absolutely certain that you forced them into having sex with you last night. Or, at least, here's what the Hawkeyes do about it.</p><p>Inspired by a prompt from Anna, but it definitely took some turns. Follows the events of Shut Up and Dance, but can also be read as a standalone fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spending My Days Locked in a Haze

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, welcome! I hope you all have been having a lovely day so far. This fic is in response to a comment made by Anna on another one of my fics regarding Kate's sudden dislike of Clint calling her "Katie" in All-New Hawkeye #1. It is a direct sequel to Shut Up and Dance, but it can also be read as a standalone piece :) Title taken from Habits (Stay High) by Tove Lo.
> 
> Some exciting (ish) news regarding my fics - I decided to make them into a loose sort of series! Over the next week or so, I will be uploading two more pieces in the series. They will be more dependent on the preceeding fics, but I definitely aimed to make them all work on their own as well. The order of the series (so far) is listed at the end of the fic :) I'm always open to comments and criticism, and I'd love to hear your ideas for what comes next for the Hawkeyes! Hope you enjoy!

It had been twenty-eight hours and thirty-two minutes since Kate Bishop had woken up, hungover and confused, in the bed of the older Hawkeye. At first, she had assumed that it was a dream – she honestly didn’t remember much about the night before. But after stretching and seeing the look on Clint’s face when she kissed him, reality crashed down on her, and hard.

He had awkwardly pulled out of the kiss and asked if she wanted any breakfast or anything. She blushed furiously, wishing desperately that she could remember anything after ordering herself and Clint some drinks at the bar the night before, gathered her clothes, and left in a hurry.

That all felt so long ago now. Kate thought that she had pieced together a clear enough narrative of the rest of the night. Clearly, they had both gotten drunker than expected, and she had somehow convinced Clint to take her back to his place. After that, she must have talked him into sleeping with her before falling asleep.

Kate didn’t know what to do. Sure, she had been thirsty for her mentor for longer than she cared to admit, but she knew exactly how he felt about her, and she had ruined the perfect partnership that she was _incredibly content with, thank you very much_ , all for a single night that she couldn’t even remember.

And now, she was trapped in the cold, lonely apartment that her father was still paying for without even the option to escape to Clint’s. She was often struck by the differences between their two living spaces. Hers, by all means, should have been their base. It was spacious, it was full of food and other things that might be useful, and most of all, it was _clean_. And yet, she found herself constantly using Clint’s apartment as her safe space. It was warm, it was full of life, and it felt like someplace that she could actually sit down and make herself comfortable rather than being afraid to touch anything. Anytime she needed to get away and unwind or think something out, she could always go over to his apartment and feel instantly at home.

Well, she guessed she really couldn’t do that now, could she?

Kate bit back the tears of embarrassment and loss that sprang to her eyes as she pulled out her phone. There was only one person right now who she could trust to help her figure out what to do.

She sniffled, rubbed the back of her hand against her nose, and started typing out a message to Billy.

 

* * *

 

 

On damn near the other side of town, Clint Barton was working on his… Fourth? No, fifth. Definitely his fifth beer of the day. He was mortified. He couldn’t believe that he had gotten his little Katie-Kate into bed with him while she was drunk. How much skeezier could he get?

He was pretty sure she had woken up still drunk, too. How else could he explain the younger (so young; she was so young) Hawkeye pressing her still-naked body and perfect, soft lips against his own? (Stop thinking about it, Barton.) He knew for a fact that she had had sexual encounters before (hell, he was pretty sure she had even gotten with one or even both of her female former teammates, based on how she talked about them), but he couldn’t help feeling like he had defiled – no – _taken advantage_ of her. How on earth was _that_ fair?

Clint groaned and pushed himself off the couch. He had only had Kate back from LA for a month, and now he scared her off again. One of the most wonderful people in his life, and she was gone.

Clint was pulled from his Kate-induced misery by a scratching at the back of his pants leg. He turned around to see Lucky sitting on the floor, a paw still lifted up in the air and a bundle of fabric shoved in his mouth. His eye was begging, and Clint was sure the dog was making those little whimpering noises that just broke your heart, but he didn’t think he had put his hearing aids back in since Kate had last left his apartment. He wanted to be alone; no distractions from his thoughts.

The archer crouched down and scratched behind Lucky’s ear. “Whatcha got there, boy?”

The dog responded by placing the bundle of white fabric on top of Clint’s sock-clad feet. He picked it up and instantly knew what it was – Kate’s scarf. The silky, white fabric slid through his fingers and collapsed into a pile on the ground. He was suddenly very aware of the smell of her lilac perfume lingering on the cloth, in the air, _on his skin_. Kate was everywhere, smothering him.

He needed some air.

Hands shaking more than he cared to admit, Clint grabbed Lucky’s leash and took him up to the roof as fast as their collective six legs could carry them.

Clint took gulps of the fresh air and willed his heart to slow down. He swore the entire city could hear it pounding away inside his chest. (Where was Daredevil? Clint didn’t want to disrupt the vigilante’s patrols. He wondered if Daredevil even worked during the day. Maybe he was sleeping. Oh god, what if he was waking up the ‘Devil of Hell’s Kitchen’? That didn’t sound like a good idea. It just wasn’t polite.)

He needed another drink.

 

* * *

 

 

Billy had appeared at Kate’s apartment in a flash. (No, literally. As soon as he got Kate’s vague and slightly terrifying text message, he magicked himself over and was almost instantly rubbing small circles on her back while she sobbed out the whole story).

“Hey, Kate, come on, it’ll be okay.” The mage let out some comforting “shh” noises. “I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. He loves you too much to let this affect your partnership.”

Kate hiccupped into Billy’s shoulder, her tears, she was sure, leaving a disgusting mascara mark on his shirt. “He doesn’t, though. He told me that he doesn’t want to sleep with me. In those words.” She let out another sob. “And I just had to force him into it. The worst part is I don’t even remember any of it.” She tried to hold back the whimpers that were coming from her throat, but she couldn’t stop them from escaping and making her sound even more pathetic than she felt. “I know how shitty it feels. To be forced into it like that.” She practically squeaked. “What’s happened to me?”

“Kate, Kate, Kate.” Billy squeezed her a little tighter. “None of this is your fault. I mean, I know you’re not going to like this, but if you can’t remember anything…”

“William Kaplan, if you finish that sentence, I will shove an arrow through your skull.” She pulled herself out of the embrace and turned to pour a cup of coffee for herself and some hot water for Billy’s tea. “Clint would never do that. Not to me, not to anyone. He might be a self-centered, constantly depressed, childish, infuriating _ass_ , but he would _never_ do something like – what kind of person do you think he is?”

Billy was quiet for a moment as he accepted the mug from his teammate. “He can’t really help his mental state, Kate…”

“No, I know, he-“ She stopped cold as the thought processed. “Billy, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“No, it’s fine.” Billy awkwardly swirled the tea bag in his mug and sat down at the kitchenette table, avoiding her glance. “You, um… I know you wouldn’t… Say something like that if you really meant it.” He chuckled softly. “We’re pretty messed up, aren’t we?”

“Billy, I…” Kate reached a hand out to touch his shoulder, but he brushed it away.

“This isn’t about me. That’s what my therapist is for, right?” Billy straightened his shoulders and took Kate’s hand comfortingly. “This is about you. You need to talk to him.”

“I can’t do that, Billy.” Kate practically begged. “If you saw the look on his face, and the – he thinks I’m just some kid.”

“Well…” Billy rubbed his thumb in little circles on Kate’s knuckle. “I mean, he is older than you. He… _Wow_ , he is a _lot_ older. Like, he was probably starting high school when we were born, but...”

“He didn’t go to high school.” Kate bristled slightly. “And he’s only twelve years older than us… Maybe thirteen. That’s not… Awful, right?”

Billy shrugged. “You are an adult.”

Kate sighed and took her hand away from Billy’s, wrapping her arms around herself instead. “I wish he thought of me as one… He actually told me that I’m ‘like nine years old’. And he calls me _Katie_.”

“I thought you liked it when he called you Katie?” Billy furrowed his eyebrows. “You said it was your special thing with him.”

“No, I know, it’s just…” Kate took a sip of her coffee and shrugged. “That was last year, you know? Now it just feels like… He thinks of me as some little kid who just took his name and ran off with it or something.” She sighed deeply, staring into her coffee mug. “I don’t know. It used to make me feel special, but now it just makes me feel like a child.”

“Well,” Billy reached across to tip Kate’s chin up and look her in the eye. “Did you tell him that?”

Kate pulled her face out from his grip. “You know why I can’t do that.”

Billy stood up, his tea now forgotten and probably way too strong anyway, to crouch down in front of his best friend and take her hand again. “Do you need moral support?”

 

* * *

 

 

Clint was finally starting to get his heartbeat under control and his breathing back to normal when he felt a faint buzz in his pocket. He pulled his phone out and looked at the caller ID – _futz_. Of all people, it had to be Kate calling him at this exact moment.

He considered letting it go to voicemail. He wasn’t sure if he was quite ready to own up to the mistake he had made the other night. The phone was on its final buzz when instinct took over and he hit the answer button just at the last second.

“Katie?” The Avenger asked. _Dammit_ , he thought to himself. He still hadn’t put his hearing aids in. “Hey, I’m sorry if I’m interrupting you right now, but I just- I’m up on the rooftop. I need to put my ears in. Sorry, just one… Come on, Lucky!”

Again, as quickly as possible, Clint and Lucky took the stairs to get to their destination. Clint scrambled around on his nightstand to try to find the purple hearing aids. _Futz_ , where were they? They couldn’t have just – there they were! With a silent victory cheer, Clint popped them in place as quickly as his fingers could manage.

Clint opened his mouth to announce that he was ready to speak, but he stopped himself when he heard Kate’s voice already on the other end. “I know,” she was saying. “I just don’t know if this is a good idea.” She paused. “I know you keep saying that, but what do you even know about this kind of thing? You and Teddy have been together for, like, six years.”

Another pause.

“Well, I know, but… It’s not the same, you know? You two are perfect for each other. This is just…” Kate sighed on the other end of the line. “This is so _weird_. You can’t imagine how awkward this is.”

Clint didn’t want to hear any more of this. “Hey, girly-girl.” He interjected before she could say anything else, trying to sound normal. “Sorry about that. What are you up to?”

“Hey Clint,” Kate’s voice came through a little soft and shaky. She cleared her throat. “Could I, um… Could I come over?”

Clint stood in silence for a moment. “I… Yeah, sure. Why?” He mentally cursed and slapped himself. _Why_???

“Oh, you know,” Kate answered, barely audible over the feedback. “Just… Tired of looking at these four walls.”

“Yeah,” Clint squeezed his eyes shut and nodded, one hand pinching the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, come on over. We can… Look at my four walls instead.”

“That sounds good.” Kate cleared her throat. “I… I can be there in a few minutes?”

“Yeah, that works.” Clint agreed. “Take your time; I’ll be… You know, here.”

“See you soon, Clint.”

“’Til then, Katie.”

Both Hawkeyes clicked their cell phones off at the same time. Clint sat down into the nearest chair and put his head in his hands. He _really_ wasn’t sure if he was ready to own up to this. He didn’t want to see his Katie’s face when he… No, he had to do this. He _had_ to do this. He had to leave all of his cards on the table and let her decide where she wanted to go from there. If she wanted to stop working together, well… That was something he should have thought of before he slept with her.

He had just steeled himself up and started to pick up some of the trash that had been piling up when there was a knock at the door. Those few steps felt like he was traversing an entire continent, and the seconds that it took to get there and actually open the door felt like an eternity. “Wow, when you said a few minutes, you weren’t kidding.”

“Yeah…” Kate shrugged her bag further up onto her shoulder. “I mean, Billy was over, so he… You know, teleportation doesn’t take that long.”

Clint nodded, swallowing hard. Her eyes were puffy. He didn’t know how to approach the topic. He chickened out. “Is he, um…?”

“No,” Kate pursed her lips. “He, um… Kinda dropped me off here. I feel like… We need to talk alone, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s, um…” Clint shifted his weight. “That’s probably better.”

“So can I… Come in?” She avoided looking directly at him.

“Oh, uh… Yeah.” Clint stepped out of the doorway. “Yeah, you should come in.”

The younger superhero took a deep breath and crossed the threshold in one quick motion. She felt like she was coming home, but this particular home had never felt quite so uncomfortable and lonely. So, yeah. Like her family’s home.

“So…” Clint breathed, his heart pounding away in his chest again. He felt like he was going to throw up. “We, um, should probably rip the band-aid off now.”

Kate nodded, her lower lip twitching uncontrollably as she tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to escape in a loud sob. “I’m sorry, Clint.” Her voice wobbled. “I…” She interrupted herself with a whimper.

Clint found himself instinctively going over to his protégée and giving her a squeeze around the shoulders. He quickly stopped and pulled back, though. He didn’t want to make this worse. “Katie, this isn’t your fault.” He insisted. Not entirely sure what to do with his hands, he stuck them as far into his pockets as they would go. “I shouldn’t have… I dunno, forced you into anything.”

Kate sniffled messily and tried to swallow her tears again. “Clint, no, you didn’t… I’m sorry. Don’t feel like you have to take the blame for this because I know,” she hiccupped and tried wiping the neverending stream away from her eyes. “I know you think I’m just a kid and I know you said you didn’t want to sleep with me and I know that it was… So inappropriate of me to just-“

Clint stopped her with a hand to her chin. “Woah woah woah woah woah Katie, stop.” He hunched over a little to get more on her level and used his other thumb to wipe away some of the tears. “You did nothing wrong, okay? And you didn’t… Why would you think I don’t want to sleep with you?”

“You told me.” Kate tried as hard as she could to avoid eye contact, but she felt herself magnetically pulled toward those deep, chocolate-colored eyes that were focused entirely on her. “On the phone. After we broke into that circus.” She sniffled again. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional.”

“Oh, oh no, Kate.” Clint made sure that her own emerald-like eyes were pointed directly at him before continuing. “Kate, that was more than a year ago. You don’t think I… It shouldn’t ruin anything between us. Come on, Hawkeye, just because some old guy slept with you doesn’t mean you need to take the blame on this one.”

Kate let out a shaky breath. “I still shouldn’t have… Forced myself on you.”

“Kate, listen to me.” Clint licked his lips. “I wanted it too.”

The younger Hawkeye was stunned into silence, not even crying anymore.

“And I know you’re… God, you’re so young.” Clint continued. “You have your whole future ahead of you. I don’t want to ruin this… Partnership, whatever, because, I mean... I ruin relationships. It’s what I do. Look at Bobbi, look at Barney, look at Jess. And seeing you cry like that is just… It’s not the kind of thing that makes me think, ‘hey, it could work out this time,’ you know? I know that I’m probably gonna hurt you. But if you want to take that risk… I’m gonna be here for you, okay, Hawkeye?”

Kate was still speechless. She stared into Clint’s eyes and nodded mutely. “I’m…” That wasn’t right. She paused and tried again. “I want you to kiss me now, okay, Clint?”

“Girly-girl, trust me.” Clint closed his eyes and tucked his chin under hers to meet her lips. “It would be my pleasure.”

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, hope you all don't hate me too much for that! ;) Like I said, the next two fics in this series will be out in the next week or so. The order of the series (so far) is as follows...
> 
> 1\. Five Times Kate Wanted to Fall Asleep Cuddling Clint, and One Time it was His Turn  
> 2\. Shut Up and Dance with Me   
> 3\. Spending My Days Locked in a Haze (that's this one!)  
> 4\. Can You Teach Me?  
> 5\. [Coming Soon - no hints! ;) ]  
> 6\. [Coming Soon - no hints! ;) ]
> 
> Anyway, I do really hope you all enjoyed this fic. Feel free to drop me a line with any comments, questions, concerns, or ideas you'd like to see in future fics! Have a wonderful day!


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